The Headf***

Sorry for my lack of posting. My issues with dating and slight ( ok well rather large) habit of casual encounters has meant I have very little to write about.

I have tried several times to write about “Mr Big”, I  finally think I am emotionally ready for it. I am still mourning our friendship more than everything else. He has completely cut me out. Although he was the one that said the “yucky” stuff first.

Anyway, I’m having a brain “fart” as I am writing this, so please bear with me. Mr Big and I started our “relationship” (an extremely loose term) three years ago. It was great, meet up for a Friday or Saturday night. Do the dance and off home. We got on well, but I didn’t see the need to go out socially (what’s the point, we aren’t dating?). I’ve always tried to be very simple with this. I’m great at casual relationships. I’ve had a couple which others may have seen as dating, as we would go out for dinner or drinks. But it’s something I don’t generally do. I see very little need to mix the two. I still don’t know why maybe as I am simple minded? God knows.

On a night out, I called Mr Big to see if he was in town to give me and a girlfriend a lift home. A bit tipsy, he proceeded to tell me about some big titted thing he played with, but he said, “she doesn’t have a patch on you”. Now I don’t take words seriously, as I have had a few head fuckers, especially in my early teens, but that’s a different story. As I laughed when he told me this, I was thinking “ I wish you could find a girlfriend, you’re a good one”. The conversation turned into something I was not prepared for. He told me, he had feelings for me. Not one where he felt very protected, but love. I tightly squeezed my friends arms as he mumbled away. She went slightly red, but that’s the price you pay for being my friend :-). The conversation lasted over an hour. I felt all warm inside, something I can say I have never felt before.

About a month went by when I responded to tell I’m I do have feelings for him. I wanted to give it some time, to see if I am having a knee-jerk reaction. Months went by where the conversation never came up again. I’m certainly not going to bring it up. I didn’t want to appear to be “that girl”, who catches feelings. I am the Queen of non-committed relationships. But I couldn’t hide anymore. This foreign feeling of love made me sick both physically and mentally.

Christmas 2013, a month after we declared our feelings,  I invited him to my home. This was a big deal for me, as it’s the family home and I never let my ex-boyfriend through the front door, even if I was alone. Somehow that seems more personal. I made lunch, great sex as always and we exchanged Christmas gifts. Well, I gave my gift later as it did not arrive. Anyway, he presented me with a ring. A simple wedding band sorta ring, which wouldn’t have cost no more than £15. But that’s’ not the point. It’s the gift. Why give me that type of ring? I just remember smiling, like your face is about to have an attack, it is was intense. But I was happy and somewhat surprised. “Does he really love me in this way?” Not that I would have gotten married to him, but some sort of commitment. This is something that still hurts if I am honest. Like I’m being laughed at in some way.

Over the course of 2014, Mr Big kept on saying crap, which I am not going to bore you with. Stating that I need to sort myself out etc (which was true to some extent). In a nutshell, he failed to mention that he had a girlfriend. I slept within maybe once or twice whilst he was dating her.  Bearing in mind he knows what I am like. Rejection is fine, scary but better than being played.

The only thing I still ask myself is why couldn’t he have been honest? He knows what I am like. Plus she works in a pub and looks like a 1990’s throw back, but then again he does like them slutty. Enough with the bitching! But seriously, I am happy he has found someone. I just hated the way he has treated me. I thought him and I were mates. He wouldn’t even meet me for a coffee over Christmas ( I found out he had a girlfriend in December 2014). Thank god for Facebook hey! I actually screamed when I saw the status update and cried when taking my little cousins back home. I couldn’t control my emotions.  There is nothing worse than a three-year-old stating that you are crying. I was ready to set off. I cried myself to sleep for days, only to wake up 30mins later. Seeing images in my head. It was crazy, it still happens from time to time, but I think it’s more the hormones (well I hope it is).

He is 20 years older, and it may not have lasted more than three months to a year, god knows. But I thought our friendship would have lasted until death. That sounds really emotional but true. I haven’t sent the long email, text or voice message. Is there any point?

This is why I hate feelings because no matter how honest and easy going you are about this. Someone always knows how to fuck with your brain/emotions.  I laid myself bare, having panic attacks when expressing how I felt. I was scared. Scared of the unknown. It’s even worse when it’s someone that you respected and cherished, as a friend.

PS. I haven’t cried writing this (yay me).