Adulting sucks

I know it’s been over two and a half years, but I have been adulting. Adulting the best way I knew how, sex.

I won’t go into too much detail as my sex life is extremely non-vanilla, and that is something I would like to keep private (unless you mistakenly overhear me telling my girlfriends in a pub).

January 2018, I was lost. I was trying to break away from the cycle of going back to the ex. Plus the usual struggles of being in my late 20’s feeling like my “career” was rather bland, without any clear direction to climb up the ladder.

I succeeded…ish by having an FWB, with a difference. I sought to have one I succeeded…ish by having an FWB, with a difference. I sought to have one lover, and I would be loyal and submissive. I wanted to enter something where I didn’t have to think and to give control to someone else. I like to be in control of myself. It worked in some ways, as I emotionally detached from the ex and luckily it didn’t transfer to my sex partner, Martin.  I sought someone who was not emotionally available to me, nor me to them. However, we did develop our special bond. Of course, this could only happen via trust. Towards the end of our 18-month situation, he even admitted I am different and unique from the others he’s been with. We still speak to this day, not a much as I’m giving him his space. You’ll understand in my following posts. 

My sex partner, Martin, helped me with dating, regarding the type of guys to seek. Ensuring he was age-appropriate, I couldn’t help going for men in the 40’s, sometimes 50’s as it was fun and I knew we couldn’t go far. I am my own worst enemy. Ensuring the courter wasn’t just looking for FWB’s which I do all so well. Seek a guy who has similar interests to explore the world and pay attention to those red flags, limiting me to enter another casual relationship deliberately.

It somewhat worked. Martin never allowed me to give up after 3weeks and wait 6-8months  till i find the courage to get back on those stupid dating apps. I had to push through being on the back burner and fully let go when my courters have found someone more suitable for them.

I am pretty non-demanding, which he tried to change (in a healthy way). I live by “if you want to make an effort you will” and I am not going to push for it. I was encouraged to get out there and find my future husband, I am worth it on so on. So I did.

Then I met Steve.