Jumping back on the horse….so to speak

I’ve reached the period of my life of being personally invited attending endless engagement parties, baby showers and weddings.  I’m not thinking “I wish it was me” (especially the baby part), it’s “I need to start my journey to get to that point”. There’s one issue, though it means I  actually have to start dating.

It freaks me out, as I kind of have it with Simon and it happened so randomly. I always knew it wouldn’t go anywhere but you know you kinda live in hope/denial pretend that it is all ok and “when it’s over it’s over”. I didn’t I believe could do it, be the good partner. It was effortless.

But I have to remember, I am not like most people let alone women. I am straight forward, and ever so slightly self-destructive. I can’t deal with people’s bullshit. I don’t tell them that, I just stop making an effort with them then get “rid” altogether. I am done with pleasing people to avoid confrontation.

I am not going to try a dating site or app again. My previous experiences over the years have been far too shocking! In fact, nearly every guy I have met, be it on my way to work, in a coffee shop, bar etc turn out be twats (me putting it lightly- again)!  I really do believe I give off this vibe, I can’t change it as it’s me. There’s this major fear of putting myself out there again. I know what I want and that it can happen randomly but I have to put myself out there for it to happen.

I’m currently sizing up the horse but can’t actually climb it.