Sorry for the lack of writing over the past two years. I have been in a love fest mode. It sounds good at first, but my lord it’s emotional. I want the old me back. I want to be the girl who was afraid to own up to her feelings, it makes life much easier.
I have cried so much over the past two years. All for sorrow and confusion. Never fall in love with someone who hasn’t truly ended their relationship. You will get hurt, and trust me, it outweighs all the good times you have together. I am still “with” him. He’s the love of my life, the only person I have ever loved, (yes, including Mr Big, he was just a lust for me to be normal, and a good friend- well so I thought!) my soul mate (in every way). But it looks like he prefers the safety blanket of a fucked up marriage than breaking free (in general, which hurts my head even more).
I’m not sure if I am ready to reveal all just now. But what I do know is that I must let it out in some way. I can’t punch him as it might kill him. The pain I am in is indescribable, I just want to sleep and never wake up.
Work is great, I am on my way to building my career. My body is banging (well nearly there, Christmas period was heavy) managed to lose some fat before the summer, and yet I am still lost.
P.S- it has taken me two weeks to publish this! I am better. I don’t have the constant feeling of wanting to enter an endless sleep.