I have  become the master of masking my true feelings. I never pretend that everything is rosey, as thats just stupid and fake. But for me to truly open up is hard. Even more so as I have been a secret thing, girlfriend, side piece or whatever you want to call it for the three years.

I am not sure if it is because of the whole new year crap and you realise over Christmas just how great or fucked up things are. But I have truly lost my shit, I have never been so lost in my life. Shopping, eating, not having the will power to work out  ( I am not even mad busy), but my mind just won’t let me do it. I used to be obsessive about working out ( I wouldn’t say that I was crazy, I just had my routine, especially as I love my food).  I can’t even pull myself to do the one thing that I can actually afford to do. I have let him take everything from me, and I dont even know how this has happened. I have always been in control of feelings to some extent and now I am trying to keep it together but i am scared of what I will do. My mind wonders and I think I am somewhere but it’s just a dream. It’s rather confusing and scary.

I written as I know it would be a process of my analysing stuff, which I didn’t want to face. I liked being “normal” for once, being in love, feeling loved and somewhat fake. Not having to worry about some stupid man messaging me, dreading first dates etc.

I can’t even finish writing this as I am tears, but I have to publish now so I can achieve something today (bar work). Hopefully I can workout tomorrow…baby steps.