It’s been ya while. 

I am now in a committed relationship (not Steve), moved to North America, in a job I like. Now in my 30s (where has the time gone) and now in the early stages of having a mental breakdown. A manic mental breakdown. 

I started this page to put all my feelings on the table, as it doesn’t come to me naturally. I’ve always kept it moving. Counting my blessings and knowing someone else out there has it way worse. So keep calm and carry on. I still believe in that term in theory. However, not taking the time out to fully access what’s going on with you inside. The truth is, being able to do this is a luxury. Yes, it’s free. Yes in this day and age you can go to Instagram, Tik Tok and someone will tell you how to do this. Amazing stuff. 

Culturally, it’s a privilege not everyone has. I am a Black British female in her early 30’s. A graduate, have a decent job, working my way up to have the life I want, well so I thought (more of that follow in a few weeks).

 However, in my story, my background isn’t the same as a White British female or an African American female. It goes beyond skin colour. Being first/second generation immigrants to parents from Africa, Asia, South America, and even some parts of Eastern Europe, is extremely different to immigrations from the Western world ( including myself in this). 

For example, I obtained my visa to move and work in Canada in 5 weeks, it normally takes 6 months at the most. That’s a privilege merely based on where I was born and raised. In 5-7 years’ time, I could become a Canadian citizen. I have seen Americans in the UK with the same opportunity. Yet, someone from Asia, Africa etc, who has been in the UK for DECADES, could still wait over 20 years before they have the “stamp”. Living in fear, but having to be responsible for bringing their children, without the luxury to practice “gratitude”, to be “selfish”. Ensuring their kids are not too affected, but they still keep it moving. You don’t see them break down in front of you. They (try) to keep calm and carry on. 

Creating a 5-year plan is a privilege. Survival is key. Not all of us are afforded the luxury of creating a 5-year plan to have the dream life. Having that one office job is a luxury when you’re trying to live life for a while without stressing about the future. Not all of us, from the western world, have the luxury of creating a 5-year plan even if you are a graduate, with a “middle class” job. Survival is all we know. Doesn’t mean we will stay in the cycle of survival. Stepping back and creating a vision board is a luxury.  Especially if you have unpacked trauma on top of that.

Don’t worry, this page will not become a social justice/ racial theme. However, it’s about me,  love and commitment. I’m realising who I am, and where I come from are part of it. Even if I don’t want it to be. (Thanks to my parent’s for not limiting what I can do/be due to my race).

This post is just a way for me to let it all out (without getting ill). In a safe space. I am no longer able to “keep calm and carry on” and that sucks. But life is a bitch. Avoiding it will make it worse.  I am grateful to be out of the rat race of life, away from family. Being in a foreign land alone, allows you to reflect even if you don’t want to. It’s scary but happy it’s happening sooner rather than later. 

I’m trying to show my partner that I am committed. However, for the first time in my life, I really do need to put myself first in the process. I am failing miserably and it hurts (not just me).