Little Miss ” I Can’t Settle”

So not long after my first date with Tony, he asked to meet again. Although our first date went well. I wasn’t too sure what to think of it all, but I did know he’s worth a go.I didn’t feel nervous seeing him again. There wasn’t a spark/ excitement. I wouldn’t say a chore, but more like seeing a friend.

As I got a table at the pub, I saw this guy smiling at me. I smiled back as he studied me with his eyes. At this moment I knew I wasn’t completely into Tony.

Sitting in the corner talking and cuddling whilst tourists were looking in confusing (interracial couples must be new to them). Tony invited me to his the following weekend. At this point I knew he meant sex. I naturally did what I do, tease! I offered to clean his oven. We made into some foreplay joke. I found him attractive, but I have more than enough numbers on my mobile to call. Plus I don’t want that anymore. It’s a lonely place to be, especially as a girl, no matter how lady like you appear outside the bedroom! You find that out sooner or later.

Date no3 at his house. TV, a bottle of wine, cuddles on the sofa! We even cooked dinner together. I cleaned his oven as promised. He thought I was joking, but I always deliver ;-).

We also had ‘desert’, decent ‘desert’. This is what I wanted. He’s a great guy, no bull,  good conversation. Amazing blue eyes. Someone I can take home to the parents, if/when the time comes. So why can’t I just be happy with it? I just can’t settle. I figured out if rather go through another 5 years of casual flings, good dates with disappointed follow ups till finding someone I’m really into.

I don’t care about his status, I just need that spark. The butterflies in my stomach when I see him approaching. The smile when ever I talk about him or see his name appear on my phone. Oh and it helps if it’s 99% mutual too and they ACTUALLY want to date you!

The only thing is, how do I end it?

The Dates of All Dates

So I’ve made a couple of references about this post. The dates of all dates. In late August I met this amazing guy.

I’m not the romantic type at all. But for what ever reason, Brian got weak. I remember our eyes locking for the first time. The smile on his face cheeky, yet loving.

So there we are in a hotel bar talking away. I did something I don’t normally do, even if I want to. I held his hand. It might be nothing major to others, but it is to me. I’m not fickle with my emotions/actions, so I might seem a bit reserved.  I felt extremely comfortable, with him like I’ve known him for years, but it’s been less than 24 hours. This can be dangerous, letting my guard down too soon. But I didn’t care. Life is about taking risks, and I am big risk taker.

Within 20 minutes he went in for a kiss. It was fantastic. Walking around Soho like love sick puppies, dancing, spinning me around, pulling me in for a kiss. It was something from a chick flick, something I would normally cringe over, but it felt so natural.

For once I wasn’t thinking, I just went with the flow. It felt amazing. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other (in a nonsexual way). Touching the back of my neck, the consent eye contact. His grey eyes, manly hands, tall. Very Scandinavian looking.

Walking back to the station, with our hands so tightly interlocked, I felt relaxed and at peace. Even writing about it now puts a smile on my face. Have I turned girly? I think I told him everything about me. I knew a lot about him. I didn’t want the night to end. But I refused to go back to his. He was ridiculously attractive, but I didn’t think about ripping his clothes off. I guess I’m becoming more mature. We talked about future dates, going swimming, movies (he’s a massive movie buff).

We texted a bit, it wasn’t the same. He seemed distant, which was strange as he was very full on, but in a good way. I wasn’t sure if it was the pressure for him to get another gig (he’s a cameraman). 5 days after our date I sent a message stating how great I found him, how I  would love to get to know you more etc. I got a reply back two days later, ‘hey princess I’m on a job, when drop you a line when I get back.’

I knew from that moment I would never meet him again. He was just a guy who sadly drank a bit too much, and required some attention.

The First Date

So here we are, my first date from Pick! I wasn’t too sure what to expect. But what I did know is that I had to get back on the horse and stop making excuses. You know, he’s too tall or too short. He likes “girly” things, which I don’t, etc! Excuses can be made in fear!

Tony wasn’t my usual type, but he did compliment me on my eyes. It was a Monday night date. Somehow that means its not as much pressure as a weekend date right? Well- for a first date I think.

Lying in bed the night before, I could feel my head going round in a continuous spiral. What to wear? I want to make an impression right? But what if he was just in his normal day to day clothes? I couldn’t think of anything worse than going overdressed. Overdressed as in my fitted dress, 4inch heels plus Spanx for good measure. Basically, I can’t go home with him. But what about jeans? Personally, I love them. But I don’t think it’s a first date sort of outfit.

After a long day in the office, I jumped out of the office in anticipation power walking to the tube station. There I was on the tube, fake playing with my iPhone to avoid eye contact. It’s a London thing, unless he is cute, then I might smile ;-). My head was frantically thinking of questions to ask Tony. Knowing that I would forget most of them, still thought it was best to “practice”. Like you do before an exam, I would think of topics that might come up.

As I was waiting at the station, looking at people’s vacant faces, I could actually the butterflies in my tummy. There he was. His piercing blue eyes and dark hair. Looked better than his picture, but looks are only skin deep. I am the ultimate psychosexual!

Having a drink in an old London pub which was surprisingly busy for a Monday night the conversation flowed well. There were a couple of silent moments, but it was a first date. We spoke about the usual stuff. Work, travels, childhood, etc. He was a nice guy and he appreciated the effort I made with my skirt (according to his eyes).

As we left the pub and walked across the Embankment I took a make to take in the views. Nothing is better than being in the city at night. The architecture, the lights; the river. We looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity and my head was like fuck it! So we kissed. Tony walked me back to the station, holding hands like a love sick couple. I wasn’t excited, this was my way to cope with any disappointment that might come my way. Just because you had a good, great or fantastic first date. Doesn’t mean there will be a second one…

Out Of The Blue

A week into joining the dating site (Pick- a fake name, of course), I met a guy normally. Walking down Oxford Street in my own little world as per usual. And there he was, a Mediterranean carbon copy of Jason Statham mischievously smiles at me. Naturally, I smiled back. The conversation struck and then he asked me out for a drink! ‘When?’ I asked, with my heart racing with excitement and apprehension. Staring at me dead in the eye, he softly replied ‘now’. I’m not amazing with eye contact, not intense ones. But I’m still a minx and he was hot! Plus, it’s more fun than sitting at home.

So there we were in a bar, talking as we do. About work, what we studied etc. I could just feel my head exploding. Thinking of questions, date ones. I’m extremely sarcastic, so I had to be on my best behavior. From past experiences, not all guys take it well or it goes down a different route!

Sitting at the table pissing myself with fear, I did what I do best- sarcasm. I boldly demanded my ring and a key to his place. ‘Sure’ he said as he smiled. This broke the ice. I quickly pointed out that I’m not into games, nothing causal nor do I want to get married next year. Others would see this as a no no. But I’ve never been one to play by the rules. ‘I go with the flow’ he cried.

The conversation flowed. His body language seemed like he was on edge. Nervous, perhaps? Not sure any how many women would have a drink with someone they have known for 30 seconds! But to be fair, I did find out he was in his early 40’s. It was clear on my part it wouldn’t go much further.

As he dropped me off at the station, he pulled me in with his big manly arms of steel. ‘I could get used to this’ my head screams. He softly asked if I had a good time. ‘Yes’, I replied. What was I meant to say? ‘You seemed a bit standoffish. But yeah, ok’.
Then, before I knew it, he kisses me. I became weak, my head floating into an oasis. It reminded me of a date I had in the summer. ‘The’ date’s of all dates. Then I remembered the disappointment and slowly came back down to earth.

Walking in separate directions I smiled to myself. ‘I can do this!’ ‘You rock’ my merry go round mind screamed.Knowing it wouldn’t go anywhere, I quickly, became deflated.

Girl in the mirror

So here I am, in my room thinking what am I going to do with my life?
I quit my job (which was needed). But what I also craved was someone to off load too. Not a friend or a casual lover that I’m comfortable with, but a boyfriend. Someone that makes me feel warm inside. Someone to go out with, exploring London and the world. Someone I can ‘grow with’ and vice versa. This is something I have always struggled with. I’ve been always good at keeping my emotions in check. However, after being ill due to work and my shocking dating experiences, I have decided that enough is enough! There is nothing wrong with being emotional. We are human after all.
So after half listening to a friend, I put on my big girl boots and jumped back into the online dating world. I’ve never been in the environment to meet guys normally, well ones I would date. Not that I’m that picky mind you! I haven’t had much luck, but I’m not one to be self-defeated.

As I browsed for the ‘best’ site for me, I could feel my heart beating with fear. What if I meet another guy that says one thing and does the other? I’m going to have to play ‘the game’ now? (You’ll understand from my future posts what I mean). Am I actually ready for this?